People look forward for weekends, but Saturday evenings used to spell horror for me. Saturdays are the days when I remain awake till late, almost 1 am, giving time to myself.
I know there are a lot of areas in life I have to work on, many mistakes I can't help but repeat and many events that make me feel I have emerged as an imperfect but a strong warrior in the battle of life.
With a plethora of thoughts flooding my mind, my eyes stay fixed into nothingness. Everything seems meaningful and meaningless at the same time and my head finds itself too powerless to contain a bagful of contrasting beliefs and emotions. And then comes the dark, murky, morbid past that once threatened to ruin every bit of emotion I had. I almost felt myself slipping away into a depression which would be refractory. It is not easy to self-prescribe anti-depressants being a psychologist, because you know they might just be supportive therapy and you might end up taking them for a lifetime.
There was a time when I could not do my patient work, take rounds or attend meetings at workplace. I just used to manage enough energy to drag myself to work place. Being at the work place made things worse. Many of my regular colleagues were surprised to see a person like me dragging along in a depressive stupor, but all I could tell them was ''I need time for myself''. It is great to have a ''Doctor's Room'' in the Premier ICU where one can sit peacefully in an air conditioned room on a sofa. However, people would still come and with that fear, perhaps, tears would not!
Not being pessimistic, one hard truth of life is that no one wants a lousy soul around, especially when one in in the medical profession- All the more when that lousy soul is a psychologist. Psychologists are psychologists only when it comes to 8 hours of profession. I guess we are humans and we do have the right to experience emotions and feel weak from time to time. It is not self pampering. It is liberty.
A life incident shook me up to the very core and I began questioning my self identity. However, when the hot molten lava froze down a bit and my vision was not so clouded, I began to see that the incident of pain was not only meant to teach me a lesson but also make me a better professional. A 24 year old student taking hasty case histories, aiming to make perfect diagnoses and looking for every opportunity to chart out a perfect treatment plan, medically and therapeutically, turns into a 25 year old psychologist with tons of patience to listen and feel the gravity of the patient's problems. Suddenly, the ''symptoms'' turn into ''Bothering issues'', ''Complaints'' turn into ''problems'', ''perfect diagnoses'' turns into ''Arbitrary diagnoses'' and ''chasing perfection'' turns into ''living with imperfection''.
Four months later, my clinical practice has undergone an absolute change. It used to rely on knowledge earlier.....now it combines knowledge with experience and empathy: two quintessential qualities that make a clinician worth remembering. In the entire heart wrenching journey, I can never forget those who managed to make me laugh when I did not even want to smile: my colleagues, Dr. Khushbu Thakkar and Dr. Minal Patel. I'd like to share 10 basic tenets that life forced me to look at after this storm passed by.
10. Youngsters have the knowledge but lack the experience. Energy makes you apply, experience gives you wisdom and inspires you to learn more.
09. Every human being has the right to express emotionally. You cry, doesn't mean you are weak. It means you have been strong enough for too long and need to break down once before rebuilding yourself
08. Keep yourself open to learning options
07. No knowledge goes waste
06. We are stronger than we think we are.
05. Pain is a must: not only to teach lessons, but also to make you a refined version of yourself
04. The easiest seeming things must undergo a solid test to prove how solid it is
03. In the end what matters is how much you lived, how much you loved and how much you helped someone who cannot return you the favour.
02. There is a supernatural force: Call it God or something else, it is there
01. YOU NEED A BUNCH OF CRAZY, WHACKED OUT FRIENDS WHO CAN MAKE YOU KICK EVERY PROBLEM OUT OF THE WINDOW IN LESS THAN A SECOND!!!
I know there are a lot of areas in life I have to work on, many mistakes I can't help but repeat and many events that make me feel I have emerged as an imperfect but a strong warrior in the battle of life.
With a plethora of thoughts flooding my mind, my eyes stay fixed into nothingness. Everything seems meaningful and meaningless at the same time and my head finds itself too powerless to contain a bagful of contrasting beliefs and emotions. And then comes the dark, murky, morbid past that once threatened to ruin every bit of emotion I had. I almost felt myself slipping away into a depression which would be refractory. It is not easy to self-prescribe anti-depressants being a psychologist, because you know they might just be supportive therapy and you might end up taking them for a lifetime.
There was a time when I could not do my patient work, take rounds or attend meetings at workplace. I just used to manage enough energy to drag myself to work place. Being at the work place made things worse. Many of my regular colleagues were surprised to see a person like me dragging along in a depressive stupor, but all I could tell them was ''I need time for myself''. It is great to have a ''Doctor's Room'' in the Premier ICU where one can sit peacefully in an air conditioned room on a sofa. However, people would still come and with that fear, perhaps, tears would not!
Not being pessimistic, one hard truth of life is that no one wants a lousy soul around, especially when one in in the medical profession- All the more when that lousy soul is a psychologist. Psychologists are psychologists only when it comes to 8 hours of profession. I guess we are humans and we do have the right to experience emotions and feel weak from time to time. It is not self pampering. It is liberty.
A life incident shook me up to the very core and I began questioning my self identity. However, when the hot molten lava froze down a bit and my vision was not so clouded, I began to see that the incident of pain was not only meant to teach me a lesson but also make me a better professional. A 24 year old student taking hasty case histories, aiming to make perfect diagnoses and looking for every opportunity to chart out a perfect treatment plan, medically and therapeutically, turns into a 25 year old psychologist with tons of patience to listen and feel the gravity of the patient's problems. Suddenly, the ''symptoms'' turn into ''Bothering issues'', ''Complaints'' turn into ''problems'', ''perfect diagnoses'' turns into ''Arbitrary diagnoses'' and ''chasing perfection'' turns into ''living with imperfection''.
Four months later, my clinical practice has undergone an absolute change. It used to rely on knowledge earlier.....now it combines knowledge with experience and empathy: two quintessential qualities that make a clinician worth remembering. In the entire heart wrenching journey, I can never forget those who managed to make me laugh when I did not even want to smile: my colleagues, Dr. Khushbu Thakkar and Dr. Minal Patel. I'd like to share 10 basic tenets that life forced me to look at after this storm passed by.
10. Youngsters have the knowledge but lack the experience. Energy makes you apply, experience gives you wisdom and inspires you to learn more.
09. Every human being has the right to express emotionally. You cry, doesn't mean you are weak. It means you have been strong enough for too long and need to break down once before rebuilding yourself
08. Keep yourself open to learning options
07. No knowledge goes waste
06. We are stronger than we think we are.
05. Pain is a must: not only to teach lessons, but also to make you a refined version of yourself
04. The easiest seeming things must undergo a solid test to prove how solid it is
03. In the end what matters is how much you lived, how much you loved and how much you helped someone who cannot return you the favour.
02. There is a supernatural force: Call it God or something else, it is there
01. YOU NEED A BUNCH OF CRAZY, WHACKED OUT FRIENDS WHO CAN MAKE YOU KICK EVERY PROBLEM OUT OF THE WINDOW IN LESS THAN A SECOND!!!
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| That's a snapshot from my real life! |
